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July 21, 2009

3

My Bloody Valentine

by Franz Patrick


My Bloody Valentine (2009)
★ / ★★★★

This is another one of those typical horror movies where the characters make stupid decisions as they run away from the killer. After the brilliant and truly terrifying “Scream” and “Scream 2″ and the mediocre spoofs that came after them, slasher campiness rarely works nowadays. This is also one of those horror movies where a particular event happened ten years ago and the survivors’ paths collide ten years later from where it all started (preferably a small town that is “God-fearing”). “My Bloody Valentine,” directed by Patrick Lussier, stars Jensen Ackles, Jaime King and Kerr Smith–the three survivors of a killing rampage performed by a person in a masked miner atttire. I’ve seen it all before (and you probably have as well) and there’s nothing particularly imaginative about this movie. While there were some notably interesting death scenes, the story just doesn’t work so I found it difficult to care for the protagonists. I found this horror flick particularly one-note in all respects especially the acting. The actors are either yelling at each other or they’re trying to look scared instead of actually being scared. Not to mention that the script felt like it was torn from a bad daytime soap opera. There’s just no modicum of subtlety; the characters always voice out what they’re thinking instead of bottling up some of their emotions and they always act on their first impulses. Real people simply do not act like them so I was rubbed the wrong way right off the bat. Moreover, I could tell that this picture had a low budget. But what’s worse is that it’s the kind that has a low budget with no redeeming qualities. Now, I don’t have a problem with pictures (especially horror pictures) with low budgets as long as it has a brain–such as the original “Halloween.” It’s just that, to me, if a movie is lacking something, it needs to try to excel in other aspects such as its script, acting or soundtrack, for instance. “My Bloody Valentine” did not even try to impress in any way. It’s purpose was clear: to attract blood-thirsty teenagers (particularly boys as they drag their terrified girlfriends along) during Valentine’s Day to waste their money on something that is neither engaging nor rewarding.

3 Comments Post a comment
  1. 24hourstomidnight
    Aug 5 2009

    We watched this when it was in theatres, with the REAL3D glasses, so we ended up paying nearly $15 each for the pleasure. It’s no wonder that people used to pay to sit in a theatre and watch film strips of a horse running or whatever. We’re just dumb.

    -”24 Hours to Midnight: The Blog!”
    http://24hourstomidnight.wordpress.com

    Reply
  2. Aug 7 2009

    I enjoyed reading your haiku reviews of bad movies. I hope you don’t mind me linking you!

    Reply
    • 24hourstomidnight
      Aug 8 2009

      Thanks for the link! We’ll do the same for you. Nice pix, btw. I’ll be checking back.

      Reply

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